Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
