I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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