She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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