I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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