and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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