Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
