Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
