a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Houston, we have a squirter
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
