I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
