Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
