When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
