I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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