tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
