Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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