She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
