wakey wakey hands off snakey
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
