hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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