So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
All the doctor said was why
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
