i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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