Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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