I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
