afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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