She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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