Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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