I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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