people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
