I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
