don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
