Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
