You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
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