Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
