a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
