So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
