Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
