So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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