i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
