Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
