i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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