Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
