In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
