i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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