Porn is love you can see.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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