Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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