He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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