I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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