So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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