K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
