Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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