smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
