the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
ugly people sure do ruin things
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
