omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
