yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
